Honor: 82 [ Give / Take ]
39 entries this month
btw
07:22 Oct 30 2011
Times Read: 917
I still have 2 more baby showers in the works. I'll have a denver one later on, and Vdub wants to do an online VR baby shower for my online friends. So still plenty of fun to be had. =)
♥
20:40 Oct 29 2011
Times Read: 945
Well, my best friend of over 20 years texted me and backed out of coming to the baby shower tomorrow.
My mom apparently knew she was going to do this. Mom seems to think that she's bitter cause I'm pregnant and she just lost a baby earlier this year. That could very well be the case, but I'd respect her more if she would just tell me. My other friend who lost her baby almost a year ago didn't know if she would make it to the shower. But she said that up front, and she said because it may upset her. I can totally respect that. I know it's hard for my friends who have lost babies to deal with other people being pregnant. I've seen the hell they go through. I live with the fear every day that it could just as easily happen to me too.
She told me that she couldn't make the drive because of lack of money to pay for gas for the drive. I just don't buy it. She makes more money than me, by over a thousand dollars a month. Plus her cost of living is lower in this state. I pay more for my dumpy little apartment than she does for her home. She can't shit $40 for gas money? I'm not upset. Just disappointed, and not too surprised either. It's not the first time she's disappointed. We may be close, but she's not someone I would rely on in a bind. I think my mom is more mad about it than I am. She's seen her flake on me and my family on several occasions.
The sad part is... had she asked me for gas money I would tighten my already tight budget and given her some to come up here. I wont voluntairly offer the money when I get the impression someone is being dishonest. Oh well, plenty of other people who love me will be there tomorrow.
11:57 Oct 29 2011
Times Read: 957
I haven't sat and bawled since I got here. But I also haven't worked until I was exhausted, and then spent all of my awake time alone either. As a matter of fact I haven't spent hardly any time alone at all.
Maybe between the time I spend alone, all of the hours I work, being exhausted all of the time, and the hormones, it's just too much for me.
I've got a small cough and a little conjestion in my chest. I don't know if it's from the climate change, or from spending time with my chain smoking parents. I don't think they realize just how much cigarette smoke bothers me. I find that smokers tend to have a selfish attitude about their smoking, and often adopt the idea that other people are overreacting. I moved out of my parents house because of their smoking. After a long nasty battle with bronchitis for almost 3 months my lungs just couldn't take it anymore, and still can't.
I think my brain is peetering out, because my train of thought has derailed. More later I suppose.
PRIVATE ENTRY
16:17 Oct 25 2011
Times Read: 969
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
15:42 Oct 25 2011
Times Read: 970
Decent sleep eludes me yet again.
And I still don't understand why my dreams taunt me so much.
-.-
17:36 Oct 24 2011
Times Read: 993
Why does my container of almonds have to have a warning on it?
Warning: contains tree nuts (almonds)
In all caps.
O_o are people really that fucking stupid?
I sit all alone and cry... a lot these days. I wonder if this is a precursor to the rest of my life.
16:50 Oct 24 2011
Times Read: 996
11:20 Oct 23 2011
Times Read: 1,009
So... when you open up to someone, and tell them what you need from them... yet they state that they can not provide you with what you need... and you can't do without what is needed...
Wtf does that mean?
09:05 Oct 20 2011
Times Read: 1,028
I don't know if kicking is good or bad when it comes to music yet, but she either really likes or really hates Journey and the Eagles. O_o hahaha
I'm starting to think that being pregnant is fucking with my already fucked up head...
01:57 Oct 20 2011
Times Read: 1,031
Yesterday I dreamed that almost half of my skull was missing.
Today I dreamed that I was working at one of the old hotels I worked at back home. There was a giant man there who was psycho. When I say giant.. I mean like twice the size of WC. O.o and WC is no small man. I dreamed that he went crazy and we called the cops on him, which pissed him off and he came after us, and the rest of the guests. He was walking around choking everyone into unconsciousness. Then I came after him to keep kim from hurting anyone else. I was able to jump on his back and put a choke hold on him, but his neck muscles were so strong it took a while to work. I remember his giant hand being half of the size of my ribcage and it digging into my back, and me screaming from the pain. I torqued harder somehow and after a few more screams his hand went limp. Me and the person I was working with grabbed the phone and the keys and hid in a vacant room waiting for the cops to show up.
I don't feel rested when my dreams are so bizarre.
11:31 Oct 19 2011
Times Read: 1,043
Too bad I'm allergic to pussies.
I don't know why, but lately I've thought that Scottish fold kittens are just the cutest damn things.
My little fur demon horde is plenty big enough; I don't need another monster I'm allergic to around here.
05:25 Oct 19 2011
Times Read: 1,047
My cat likes chinese food.
Does that mean he's a cannibal?
17:42 Oct 18 2011
Times Read: 1,053
Random craving today... pumpernickel chips.
Like the ones you get in gardettos snack mix. Mmmmm
16:35 Oct 17 2011
Times Read: 1,063
Ugh.. I'm tired of shitty dreams.
I was dreaming that I was arguing with drug addicts and prostitutes on the front porch of my mothers house. I told them to stay the fuck away from my nephew. I made a shitty comment about hookers, and the one crack ho said not to knock it because it was great. O.o my reply was yeah 'it must be wonderful to have hundreds of random strangers inside you, not because they care about you, but because any snatch will do'. That annoyed one of the guys who proceeded to flick his lit cigarette at me, and I lost it. I screamed them right off my front porch prepared to kick the ass of anyone who didn't comply. They left. The worse part is, I think one of the drug addicts was my nephew's half brother. I kept smacking him in the back of the head and yelling at him to not teach his brother that shit.
My dream switched to where I was in the house I lived in back in the desert. We were hiding inside waiting for someone to attack...
Then.. I woke up because I heard my front door shut. My brain told me that it was ok because WC was just leaving for work. Part of me said get up and check... so I did. I woke up still feeling aggressive ready to whoop the shit out of an intruder. How I would do it half asleep.. I don't know. Everything is fine, I'm going back to sleep. Hopefully I'll dream better this time.
I have a very specific frustration... and no outlet for it.
10:26 Oct 17 2011
Times Read: 1,069
doesn't that suck
18:06 Oct 16 2011
Times Read: 1,078
Laying in bed last night, poking through VR and FB thinking about sleep.. and thundercat starts making a ruckus in the hallway. Yowling, tearing things up.. having a little kitty temper tantrum.
WC opens the bedroom door 'did you forget to feed them or what?'
'Oh no.. their fatasses ate'
'Then what's his damn problem?'
Just as I'm mentioning that he probably wanted in the bedroom he bolted into the open door and up on the bed with me.. instant purrs. He got what he wanted and was all better. Guess he wanted some love time before bed, and to sleep away from ding and dong. No telling that spoiled brat no is there?
19:14 Oct 15 2011
Times Read: 1,098
Pictures, images, graphics..
So many of them float in and out of our lives on a daily basis. Every now and then you come across one that you like, so you tuck it away. A little keepsake for your aesthetic enjoyment. Sometimes when we revisit these images, we associate with them, discover that they are perhaps a representation of ourselves in one way or another. Maybe more so than one would have thought. A small testament to the past, present, or even the future.
PRIVATE ENTRY
18:55 Oct 15 2011
Times Read: 1,099
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
Have a crack o lantern09:29 Oct 15 2011
Times Read: 1,109
Happy Halloween mofo's!
20:28 Oct 14 2011
Times Read: 1,124
.!.. ..!.
17:51 Oct 14 2011
Times Read: 1,131
While I was laying in my dungeon last night thinking about things, I was also petting thundercat. He wanted love last night (who doesn't right?). I noticed that thundercat is exceptionally happy when we get to hang out alone together. He's all purrs and love. But I also noticed that he also gets pet a lot when it's just me and him (he doesn't like to be pet a lot when the tard twins are around... must be a macho guy thing). I started to wonder.. if this transfers over into other species. The more I thought about it the more I figured it must.
There's probably a direct link between the amount of affection you're shown, and your overall happiness.
Just something to think about.
12:08 Oct 12 2011
Times Read: 1,139
Today is a beautiful morning. 50 and windy, but I have to go back to sleep rather than stay up and enjoy it.
I have to go to work in a few hours for a 90 minute training class. Then I get to find something to do for a couple of hours... and then go back to work for a full 10 hour shift. What a crappy Monday. From what I hear, it's going to be a very long, very busy week.
I scheduled a flu shot on Saturday, even though my boss gave me the flu last season. Ringing in the new year with my head in a trash can and all. I can't afford to get sick wile pregnant. Luckily it only happened the once early on.
Ok enough yapping... must calm my puss who is currently out of control and go back to sleep. I'm wasting good resting time.
I went to see the vampires today...
00:48 Oct 12 2011
Times Read: 1,155
I had to fast before this one. I was given another drink that made me want to throw up and pass out. I proceeded to burp stomach acid for the next three hours, and tried my hardest to choke back throwing up over a dozen times. I was stabbed eleven times for 4 vials of blood over the course of 3 hours. It's been 16 hours since I've eaten and I feel so sick it's a crap shoot on whether food will actually stay down at this point.
I feel tired, dizzy, and like hammered shit.
12:24 Oct 11 2011
Times Read: 1,172
in the lowest of my most recent lows...
I've had a moment of clarity.
Life doesn't always give you what you want...
And you can only try so hard at something before you realize you can't spend anymore time not getting results.
I have no hope left.. and no idea what to do.
02:37 Oct 11 2011
Times Read: 1,180
PRIVATE ENTRY
10:57 Oct 09 2011
Times Read: 1,185
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
11:25 Oct 08 2011
Times Read: 1,202
today I was kicked while I was down
It's never a good feeling.
17:39 Oct 07 2011
Times Read: 1,216
Operation productivity is a flop.
I did some writing to get it out, and I only managed to sink further.
Now I will nap until I have to work. If I can't nap, I'll just lay and stare at the wall.
16:01 Oct 07 2011
Times Read: 1,223
Well. I think today may very well be a long crappy day. Alright, so crappy is subject to how the rest of events go. Maybe it wont be so bad after all.
I'm wide awake after less than 5 hours of sleep. I woke up to a foul burning smell. Upon gaining some form of consciousness my brain identified the smell, but I still had to get my butt up and check. Just as I suspected, the man was awake and huddled on the couch in sweats. I gave him the not awake one eyed squint X.- Did you actually turn the heater on?
Why yes, yes he did. It turns out he also slept exposed to the cold last night. The difference between the two of us? Well not only did it actually bother him, but if I'm too cold or hot while I'm sleeping it will wake me up until I correct the issue. No comfort means no sleep to me. Had I known he was put in the position to freeze his balls off all night, I would have rectified the issue before going to bed myself. Oh well.
I've been awake for 3 hours now, and sleep doesn't look like it'll be coming back today. I still have another 5 hours before work, and a 10 hour (or more) shift on top of that. It's going to be a very looong day.
I've been sitting here pondering life. Thinking about how much of my life I waste earning that almighty paycheck, and how much I despise it. I feel very trapped. It's a corporate trap. I feel like a damned slave in what is supposed to be a free country. Isn't that ironic? I'm sure I have a better quality of life than a lot of people in much shittier countries, probably better than a fair amount of people in this country. But it's not without sacrifice. I'm giving up my time, giving up my life, someways giving up my sanity, and undoubtably giving up my happiness. As long as I wear the shackles and the mask of the corporate Kunta Kinte I'll never be free, I'll never find peace, and I'll lack the happiness that I long so much for.
Freedom feels like it's nowhere in sight. Because of this, my hope is very minimal.
I guess I'd better go find some cereal and something productive to do. Stewing over the craptasticness of life wont make it any better.
08:56 Oct 07 2011
Times Read: 1,233
My nights sure are lonely.
No one to talk to, not even online.
I'm going to go to sleep. The low is in the 30's tonight. I think I'll sleep with the window open.
♥
07:48 Oct 06 2011
Times Read: 1,254
I really like my new avatar. =)
01:17 Oct 06 2011
Times Read: 1,263
Zombie apocalypse dreams again today.
I'm really over dreaming about stabbing and smashing things in the head. Someone else missed and stabbed one through the roof of mouth, and I had to kick the debris through the roof of it's mouth into it's brain.
Things I hear in my sleep corrupt my dreams. At one point family guy was on the boob tube when I woke up. I was wondering why zombie stewie griffin was coming after us too. O.o wth?
Fuck zombies... where's the vampire dreams?
13:46 Oct 05 2011
Times Read: 1,278
Just in case someone doesn't get the kismet. Haha
He had his bacon waffle. I had a normal waffle. He's off to work. I'm going to shoot for another nap. Hopefully I can refrain from dying or being assaulted in my next dream.
08:36 Oct 05 2011
Times Read: 1,291
He wants bacon waffles. He wanted them a couple of days ago, but my response was fuck no I'm going to bed. I don't like to be pissy, but I had to be up for work in like 7 hours. Bacon waffles would have taken probably another hour to 90 minutes or so start to finish. Since I'm off today I'll stay up tonight and start his bacon waffles around 5 am. Hopefully this will make him happy.
Boo!
07:44 Oct 05 2011
Times Read: 1,297
I'm eating the last of my ice cream. =(
Guess that means a trip to the store tomorrow. =)
No pineapple tonight. But I did drizzle a little bit of heath bar magic shell on it.
I think I need to not participate in watching WC's crime investigation shows with him before bed. I woke up from a horrid dream where I was left alone investigating a crime at a scene, and I became a victim myself. O.o
23:36 Oct 04 2011
Times Read: 1,310
There seems to be a lot of flaky people around here. Here one day, gone the next. I don't see the point.
10:44 Oct 04 2011
Times Read: 1,325
The last 3 days have been plain chaos at work. They didn't staff me properly for all of the BS going on. I don't remember the last time I've had to write 4 incident reports in a span of 3 days. That doesn't even the include the employee that fell at work, and left in an ambulance. It may have been a shitty thing to do, but I played the 'your department, your paperwork' card on them. I had far too much going on that night to stay and do that as well. Even without that, my 10 hour day turned into a 13 hour day. After these past few days, I sure am glad that I'll be out of town for the drunken orgy they have a nerve to call a halloween party. I need a damn break.
I'm so going to sign this kid up for kickboxing, or karate. She's kicking the shit out of me. I don't know if she's found a nerve or something in there, but sometimes when she kicks it's a lot like the feeling you get when you bang your 'funny bone' and it makes me wince. The bad part. She's only halfway developed. She still has a lot of muscle to grow yet, and her kicks will only be stronger.
This maternal love is a new one. It feels very unconditional, and rabid all at the same time. I'm a very protective of my loved ones (both friends and family). And it feels like that only amplified. Like.. I would do anything for my gremlin, and if you hurt her you'll be lucky to escape me before I remove at least one, if not more of your limbs.
I'm still eating vanilla ice cream and pineapples. I don't think pineapple ice cream would cut it though. The pineapple has to be room temperature and juicy. Freezing it would ruin it for me. Lemonade is still a big thing for me too, but I have eased up on the pickles. It seems that craving has passed. Cinnamon seems like it could be the next thing for me. I keep thinking about cinnamon rolls, and cinnamon apple muffins, and cinnamon toast, even cinnamon candies. We'll see how this goes.
10:49 Oct 02 2011
Times Read: 1,341
Holy long shitty day batman!
As much as a margarita would be magnificent after a day like that... my sober ass is instead eating vanilla ice cream with pineapple chunks. Mmmmm
12:23 Oct 01 2011
Times Read: 1,359
Yesterday was a good day,
I actually got plenty of sleep. I woke up mid day, ate a little something, and then took another nap. When I woke up in the evening I went downstairs and got my boxes from the office. I then went shopping for some more clothes. I had previously bought work clothes, and have been subjected to hanging out in sweats when I'm not at work. Today I bought a pair of maternity jeans, and FINALLY some maternity underwear. I'm soooooooo happy about the underwear. I also picked up a couple of sweaters, and another top for work. I'm SOL on bras though. I was already wearing the biggest size they carry in the store prior to the boobs growing. They really don't need to get any damn bigger.
After shopping I called WC and went to pick him up from his hemp convention. We went out to dinner to red robin. After we came home I started working on the baby registry. Holy sheep shit this stuff is expensive! =( I'm also clueless about a lot of it. Hooray for not knowing jack. I about had a stroke looking at strollers. I don't know why one search for strollers needs to yield 400 results. Luckily WC knows what he wants from a stroller. Kudos to him. My craptop decided to be a dick so luckily I was able to put it down before the registering got too stressful. I need to get that shit done soon though. So many damn necessities. =/
It was kind of funny though when I was telling WC about a girl I work with who is my age had a baby last year. I said the difference between her and I is that she wants 4 or 5, and I'm totally stopping at 2 kids. He has no intentions on having yet another one. I told him that he already crashed the car, he might as well take it to the derby. O.o for a minute there I could have swore he turned pale and stopped breathing.
COMMENTS
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Vampirewitch39
00:35 Nov 01 2011
Yeap= we need to chat about that shower. :)
I will send ya a message with some questions.
;)